today

I really miss my mom- but I miss her from my end - she would have so loved seeing the Africa photos and remembering her own trip to Africa.  I don't begrudge her decision to end the life she was living- it wasn't her life any more.  She hated being confined to - at best- a hour or two's drive from the apartment she lived in.

I remember one week, in summer weather, last year when I was down for a few days we drove quite a long distance to go to a sculpture park she had once been to.  It was one where the whole point was to drive through- so she could get "out" of the Lodges (her retirement home) but not have to do any actual walking.  By then she was wheelchair-bound in all but getting to the bathroom (used a walker.)

So off we went in my little car- and spent the better part of the day "OUT" - she was so happy just to have the change in scenery.  For someone with her wanderlust, being in the same place for (at that time it had been just over a year) was sheer torture.  As we turned toward home I suggested one more detour and introduced her to frozen custard at Culver's.  That was the last "trip" I took with my mom.  This must have been before my sister Janna died because I remember no conversation about the loss that day.

After June and the ordeal of Janna's death - she was never really the same.  She carried the shadow of that loss over her.  I was there in July and in August and in September.  In October Phil and I visited her for four days but November was so busy with out of country travel that I didn't make it until after my December Board meetings - and by then we had arrived at the ending stage.

I had always told her she couldn't die on me-  that I did NOT want to be an orphan.  In the end though, how could I not give her permission to leave?  It wasn't about me- it was about her- I loved her so much I had to let her go.  It was no longer her life.  I understood that.

But the loss is still so great - almost nine months later I still get whacked by the grief.  I want my mother back- the mother who only looked at her "portfolio" (LOL) when the market was up and who was always talking about where she wanted to go next.  That's the mom I miss.  She was a spectacular mother; how could I not miss her?

I chose this photo today because my mom loved the meerkats and this was one we saw just hanging out at the Elephant Sanctuary in Knysna, South Africa.