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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

years ago

I went out on a few dates with a guy who told me he lived with the 30 second rule.  this simple rule was to be as open in communications with his loved ones so that if he had only 30 seconds to say everything he needed to say before he died - he would have no trouble completing all of his messages.  in our family there has never been any doubt about the love we all have for each other - even in the most estranged times for us we still have the loving- my parents gave us kids the best foundation any parent can give a child- that of knowing your parents love you regardless of whatever boorish behavior you may be exhibiting on any given day.  And we had plenty of that over the years- especially I am sure through my parents' eyes. 

as my mother nears the end of her life I am struck by the enormity and finality of her decision to leave us and also of the inability I have to help her on this journey, to be there in the way she was always there for me - I can't go with her, hold her hand make sure she isn't afraid

that she doesn't suffer in any way-

I am just as helpless to assist her as I was my sister.

in the last months of my sister's life I sent her a letter expressing some of the same emotions I have about my mom today as we get nearer and nearer the end.

"The day after I learned of your most recent diagnosis I had this urge to get in my car and just drive- keep driving until I drove far enough away to be relieved of the burden of my concern and worry about you – but of course there is no such place and I can’t run away - the stuff just comes along with me– the only place to go is where I ended up going- HOME – I am sure you know what I am talking about – there is no place to get away from it- and the only refuge as far as I can tell is in myself.  I am so afraid for you and of losing you I can hardly express it- I love you so dearly- I want to support you and yet I know that I can’t come over and just cry – what kind of help would that be – me being such a big baby about it and you being so brave and Tom being so steadfast – I want you to know that despite the fact that I don’t call or write all the time – it isn’t because I am not thinking of you and praying for your recovery – I am – no hour goes by in my day- and I mean that literally - that I don’t think of you. I love you. If I can will your return to health I know we could do this together because your courage and my will should be an unbeatable combination."

I could not will my sister back to health any more than I can travel my mother's path with her now.  in the end we make our journey alone - I only hope we can give each other some strength through the love we hold in the process. 

I have no fear of the 30 second rule.  my mother knows I love her as absolutely as she has loved me and as she passes into spirit I hope and pray that she gains strength from that loving and her transition is a peaceful one.


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