as my mother nears the end of her life I am struck by the enormity and finality of her decision to leave us and also of the inability I have to help her on this journey, to be there in the way she was always there for me - I can't go with her, hold her hand make sure she isn't afraid
that she doesn't suffer in any way-
I am just as helpless to assist her as I was my sister.
in the last months of my sister's life I sent her a letter expressing some of the same emotions I have about my mom today as we get nearer and nearer the end.
"The day after I learned of your most recent diagnosis I had this urge to get in my car and just drive- keep driving until I drove far enough away to be relieved of the burden of my concern and worry about you – but of course there is no such place and I can’t run away - the stuff just comes along with me– the only place to go is where I ended up going- HOME – I am sure you know what I am talking about – there is no place to get away from it- and the only refuge as far as I can tell is in myself. I am so afraid for you and of losing you I can hardly express it- I love you so dearly- I want to support you and yet I know that I can’t come over and just cry – what kind of help would that be – me being such a big baby about it and you being so brave and Tom being so steadfast – I want you to know that despite the fact that I don’t call or write all the time – it isn’t because I am not thinking of you and praying for your recovery – I am – no hour goes by in my day- and I mean that literally - that I don’t think of you. I love you. If I can will your return to health I know we could do this together because your courage and my will should be an unbeatable combination."
I could not will my sister back to health any more than I can travel my mother's path with her now. in the end we make our journey alone - I only hope we can give each other some strength through the love we hold in the process.
I have no fear of the 30 second rule. my mother knows I love her as absolutely as she has loved me and as she passes into spirit I hope and pray that she gains strength from that loving and her transition is a peaceful one.